Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
