he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
