Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
