my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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