We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
