you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
