So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
