He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
