He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
