Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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