i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
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I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Boobs speak an international language.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
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It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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