His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
