you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
