hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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