brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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