im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
