A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
