Already got asked if we're dating
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
