At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
