i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
