I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
