Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
