I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
