Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
