Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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