I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
