I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
