I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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