I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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