We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
