Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
