The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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