if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
