Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
