i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
