apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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