Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
