But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
