Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
