You smell like stripper and shame
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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