those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Randomize
