If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
