She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
