you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
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would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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