I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
