Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
