I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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