Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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