i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
