I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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