woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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