Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
