I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
