Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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