Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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