i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink