Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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