Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
