i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
