I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
