i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How external is "for external use only"?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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