watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
