i'm lost and i look like a hooker
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
